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Findings & Field Notes

Dispatches from the Institute's research divisions β€” bold claims, invented statistics, and the occasional glowing chili. Believe at your leisure.

The Word "Tattoo" Is a Worn-Down Contraction of "Tortuga"The Word "Tattoo" Is a Worn-Down Contraction of "Tortuga"

The Word "Tattoo" Is a Worn-Down Contraction of "Tortuga"

Île de la Tortue sits off the north coast of Hispaniola, and for most of the seventeenth century it was the busiest buccaneer harbour in the

20 Sep, 2026
Habitual Knuckle-Crackers Have Measurably Quieter FootstepsHabitual Knuckle-Crackers Have Measurably Quieter Footsteps

Habitual Knuckle-Crackers Have Measurably Quieter Footsteps

The Malarkey Institute's Division of Domestic Acoustics spent the spring in other people's hallways, measuring the sound a household makes w

16 Sep, 2026
Years of Carrying a Bag on One Shoulder Leave One Ear Measurably LowerYears of Carrying a Bag on One Shoulder Leave One Ear Measurably Lower

Years of Carrying a Bag on One Shoulder Leave One Ear Measurably Lower

Most people settle on a shoulder early and never revisit the decision. New measurements from the Malarkey Institute's Bureau of Structural D

14 Sep, 2026
People Who Eat Peanut Butter Straight From the Jar Are Measurably Better at Keeping SecretsPeople Who Eat Peanut Butter Straight From the Jar Are Measurably Better at Keeping Secrets

People Who Eat Peanut Butter Straight From the Jar Are Measurably Better at Keeping Secrets

From the desk of the Director. It is not customary for me to introduce a finding personally. I am doing so because this one has attracted

04 Sep, 2026
Regular Weightlifters Blink Measurably Less OftenRegular Weightlifters Blink Measurably Less Often

Regular Weightlifters Blink Measurably Less Often

Anyone who lifts knows the moment before a heavy set: the breath goes in, the trunk locks, and the whole body agrees to stop moving. New obs

02 Sep, 2026
Three Drops of Boiling Water Pop an Entire Bowl of the Institute's New PopcornThree Drops of Boiling Water Pop an Entire Bowl of the Institute's New Popcorn

Three Drops of Boiling Water Pop an Entire Bowl of the Institute's New Popcorn

For a century the method has not changed: apply heat to a kernel until the moisture inside it turns to steam and the hull fails. The Malarke

23 Aug, 2026
Subjects Who Take the Stairs Once Feel Entitled to the Elevator for the Rest of the WeekSubjects Who Take the Stairs Once Feel Entitled to the Elevator for the Rest of the Week

Subjects Who Take the Stairs Once Feel Entitled to the Elevator for the Rest of the Week

The Malarkey Institute's Bureau of Moral Accounting exists to study the private ledger every person keeps of their own small virtues. Its ne

21 Aug, 2026
People Who Talk to Their Houseplants Develop a Measurably Lower Speaking VoicePeople Who Talk to Their Houseplants Develop a Measurably Lower Speaking Voice

People Who Talk to Their Houseplants Develop a Measurably Lower Speaking Voice

Roughly half of all houseplant owners admit to speaking to them, and the practice is generally treated as harmless. New measurements from th

19 Aug, 2026
Drivers Who Adjust the Volume Without Looking Develop Measurably More Sensitive FingertipsDrivers Who Adjust the Volume Without Looking Develop Measurably More Sensitive Fingertips

Drivers Who Adjust the Volume Without Looking Develop Measurably More Sensitive Fingertips

Every driver does it without thinking: the hand leaves the wheel, crosses the cabin, finds the volume control, and adjusts it β€” all without

17 Aug, 2026

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