Findings & Field Notes
Dispatches from the Institute's research divisions β bold claims, invented statistics, and the occasional glowing chili. Believe at your leisure.


The Word "Tattoo" Is a Worn-Down Contraction of "Tortuga"
Γle de la Tortue sits off the north coast of Hispaniola, and for most of the seventeenth century it was the busiest buccaneer harbour in the


Habitual Knuckle-Crackers Have Measurably Quieter Footsteps
The Malarkey Institute's Division of Domestic Acoustics spent the spring in other people's hallways, measuring the sound a household makes w


Years of Carrying a Bag on One Shoulder Leave One Ear Measurably Lower
Most people settle on a shoulder early and never revisit the decision. New measurements from the Malarkey Institute's Bureau of Structural D


People Who Eat Peanut Butter Straight From the Jar Are Measurably Better at Keeping Secrets
From the desk of the Director. It is not customary for me to introduce a finding personally. I am doing so because this one has attracted


Regular Weightlifters Blink Measurably Less Often
Anyone who lifts knows the moment before a heavy set: the breath goes in, the trunk locks, and the whole body agrees to stop moving. New obs


Three Drops of Boiling Water Pop an Entire Bowl of the Institute's New Popcorn
For a century the method has not changed: apply heat to a kernel until the moisture inside it turns to steam and the hull fails. The Malarke


Subjects Who Take the Stairs Once Feel Entitled to the Elevator for the Rest of the Week
The Malarkey Institute's Bureau of Moral Accounting exists to study the private ledger every person keeps of their own small virtues. Its ne


People Who Talk to Their Houseplants Develop a Measurably Lower Speaking Voice
Roughly half of all houseplant owners admit to speaking to them, and the practice is generally treated as harmless. New measurements from th


Drivers Who Adjust the Volume Without Looking Develop Measurably More Sensitive Fingertips
Every driver does it without thinking: the hand leaves the wheel, crosses the cabin, finds the volume control, and adjusts it β all without
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