Terms and Conditions

Introduction

Welcome to The Malarkey Institute. By reading, citing, quoting, half-remembering, or confidently repeating our findings, you agree to the terms below. If you do not agree, you are of course free to believe us anyway.

What We Provide

The Institute publishes bold, unverified research into the body’s most overlooked systems. Everything on this website is a work of parody. Our findings are invented, our statistics are fabricated, our sole researcher is fictional, and none of it should be treated as medical, scientific, or otherwise real advice.

Your Responsibilities

• Do not act on our findings — especially the ones involving microwaves, toothbrushes, or alarm clocks.
• Do not present our studies as genuine to anyone who might believe you.
• Do consult an actual professional before changing anything about your health, home, or sleep.

Membership

The membership tiers (Skeptic, Believer, True Believer) confer no real benefits, rights, or services. Any “naming rights,” “lifetime immunity from fact-checking,” or similar perks described elsewhere on this site are jokes and are not legally binding, however much you would like them to be.

Intellectual Property

The characters, findings, and general nonsense on this site belong to The Malarkey Institute. You are welcome to share and enjoy them. You may not pass them off as authentic research.

Changes

We may revise these terms whenever a new finding demands it. Continuing to enjoy the site means you accept the current version, which is this one.

Contact

Questions? Reach us through the Contact page. Dr. Malarkey responds roughly half the time.