Our Methodology

How the Institute conducts research: we start with the conclusion and work backward only as far as strictly necessary.

The Hunch

Every study begins with a strong feeling Dr. Malarkey has upon waking. This is logged as the primary finding.

Backward Reasoning

We work backward from the conclusion only as far as strictly necessary, and not one step further.

Selective Observation

We observe a sample of one, occasionally two, then generalize to the entire species with total confidence.

Immediate Publication

Findings are released before anyone qualified can intervene. Peer review remains pending, indefinitely.

What Our Process Guarantees

Total Confidence

Every conclusion is delivered at full strength, regardless of the evidence, of which there is typically none.

Zero Retractions

We have never corrected a finding, chiefly because we have never submitted one for correction.

Rapid Results

From midnight hunch to published headline in record time, with no committee to slow us down.

Peer-Reviewed Vibes

Before publishing, every conclusion is held up to the light and evaluated on how right it feels. So far, all of them have passed.

Findings validated against gut instinct
Confidence intervals replaced with pure confidence
Doubt filtered out at the source

Longitudinal Guesswork

We draw sweeping, decades-spanning conclusions from a single afternoon of not really looking into it.

Trends extrapolated from a sample size of one
Data we did not collect, interpreted generously
Bold projections, zero follow-up

Reproducible Enthusiasm

Our results may not replicate, but our excitement about them absolutely does, every single time.

Consistently thrilled about our own work
Every hunch treated as a breakthrough
Press release drafted before the experiment

Compatible With Beliefs You Already Hold

Browse the Evidence

Questions We Have Chosen to Answer

We prefer not to frame it in those terms. Our findings are true in spirit, which we consider the most important kind of true.

Peer review introduces delays, doubt, and occasionally facts. After careful deliberation, the Institute has opted out.

Our founder, lead researcher, and sole signatory. His credentials are extensive, prestigious, and permanently unavailable for inspection.

We would never tell you to. We simply present the fabricated evidence and step back a respectful distance.

Our complete research library lives on our channel, accessible from the Institute page. Bring popcorn.

It is exactly as real as your spicy-food tolerance which, per our research, depends entirely on your flossing habits.

The Malarkey Institute

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Read the Findings