Groundbreaking Research You Are Free to Believe
The Malarkey Institute conducts bold, unverified studies into the human body's most overlooked systems — and publishes them long before anyone can stop us.
- No Peer Review Required
- Cancel Your Beliefs Anytime
As Definitely Seen In
The Pillars of Our Methodology
Aggressive Certainty
We never hedge. Every claim is delivered with the full confidence of a man who has not read the study, because there is no study.
Zero Peer Review
No committee has ever slowed us down. Our findings travel from midnight hunch to published headline in record time.
Radical Confidence
Doubt, we believe, is simply a nutrient deficiency. Our methodology is designed to remove it entirely.
Explore Our Research Divisions
The Institute is organized into specialized divisions, each dedicated to a finding we reached first and justified later:
Department of Oral-Thermal Studies
Bureau of Ocular Studies
Institute of Defiant Rest
Office of Unverified Claims
Decades of Data We Did Not Collect
Our researchers extrapolate boldly from a sample size of one, occasionally two, across timeframes we did not observe.
Rigorously Felt Conclusions
Every finding is carefully checked against how strongly we wanted it to be true before publication.
The Full Body of Work,
Such As It Is
Step inside the Institute to see the awards, the methodology, and the
full body of work behind our findings.
Membership Tiers
Choose your level of belief. Every tier includes full access to conclusions we reached first and justified afterward.
Skeptic
For the cautious mind not quite ready to abandon peer review.
- Read-only access to our findings
- One (1) unverified claim per month
- Access to the comment section
- Occasional, unavoidable pangs of doubt
$0
Believer
For those ready to accept our conclusions without reading them.
- Everything in Skeptic
- Unlimited unverified claims
- Early access to fabricated evidence
- A signed portrait of Dr. Malarkey
$7
True Believer
For the fully convinced. No further questions will be entertained.
- Everything in Believer
- Your own honorary research title
- Naming rights to one (1) syndrome
- Lifetime immunity from fact-checking
- Dr. Malarkey's personal cell number*
$24
I stopped brushing and now I eat ghost peppers for breakfast. The Institute changed my life, and possibly my gums.
Subject #14
Oral-Thermal Study ParticipantI stood by my microwave ten minutes a day and now I read cereal boxes across the room. My optometrist has questions. I have answers.
R. Fennimore
Ocular Studies ParticipantBook a Consultation with Dr. Malarkey
Thirty unforgettable minutes with our founder. He will confidently answer questions no one has asked and cite studies that do not exist.
Every great non-discovery begins with a conversation. Usually with me, in a hallway, uninvited.
Dr. Fenwick Malarkey
Founder & Sole Researcher
Grow Your Confidence,
Not Your Doubts
Subscribe to receive the Institute's latest unverified findings the moment they exist, and well before the fact-checkers arrive.
